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I was learning at 16. I would wake up at dawn to find baba reciting Quran, I learnt that our souls have cravings.
I would watch him as he would bow in Salah, his head staying there for a few minutes touching the ground, I would observe in silence. I learnt that you are strong as long as you know your Rabb is Greater than everything.
I was learning that day baba left for work in a rush, never to return. I learnt this world is not meant for perfect endings, you live as a traveler and you have to leave as one.
I learnt the next day when we got his luggage back as I smelled his burned clothes, how fire destroys the human body while things may last for an eternity.
I was learning at 18. I would watch mama smile everytime someone told her about their dreams of baba. I learnt that Love makes you forget your own suffering.
She told us she felt him in her dream once. I learnt that my Lord is Al-Lateef, everytime my parents met in dreams.
I was learning at 20. I had only read it before but then I felt it, the difference between empathy and sympathy.
I learnt we all carry an ocean in us; of kindness, strength, fear and hope. And another ocean of tears. The latter never dries. The former keeps increasing everytime you use it.
I learnt that it’s maybe because in your consumption, you take a step closer towards the Source. You find His Love. You find Him closer to you. You fear His anger. You pray your Rabb never leaves you.
At 24 all I know is that you keep learning, of losses and findings. Everyday you lose a part of yourself to find another. It’s not always better than what’s lost. But you’ll find what you search for if you keep trying. Just keep trying.
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