my carrot cake for Azhar. i initially wanted the icing to just cover the top side of the cake, but much to my amazement, it kinda melted to the side as i was busy spinning my cake spinner like no tomorrow. i tend to get a tad bit excited when it comes to icing cakes. and off late, i've reallllyyyyy been craving for home made cakes, and found this recipe online to try which was pretty much okay. Azhar loved it so that counts as success !
on another note, its safe to say that i've passed my phase of morning sickness at 15 weeks - alhamdulillah. and by that, yes you read that right :) in shaa Allah there will be a mini us soon, and we're praying very hard for this journey to be a blessed and smooth one, and may i gather all the strength and energy to prepare myself mentally, physically and spiritually to welcome this little one into our lives.
there are often times i feel so not ready for things - and subhanallah how Allah has really blessed me with opportunities and experiences. i remembered almost a year ago feeling so unprepared for marriage, how even the readings, lectures, and seerahs of great women just couldnt cut it. i still felt not ready for things, and i prayed to Allah to slow things down for me ( during my engagement period ) and to keep me calm and grant me the courage to face everything with patience. and when i got married, my next concern was - am i good enough to be a mom already ?
and thats when i read books, befriended other mothers with kids, ask about their experiences, jotted down what i'd expect of myself if i were given myself the chance to be granted children. til this day, i still feel unprepared. during umrah, i said to Azhar,
" we got to make our duas right. we have to say it right. lets ask Allah to only grant us kids until we're ready. Until He feels we're ready, and ONLY until He feels we are ready, then may He grant us kids,"
and i repeated this so many times in front of the Kaabah, while praying, while just staring at it. i was more nervous than anything. 8 months being a wife taught me a lot of things about myself that i needed to improve on. there were still plenty of things to fix before i could even think about bringing up a little me.
and by Allah's Grace, we found out that i was actually pregnant the same day we arrived Malaysia from our flight from Madinah.
i had mixed feelings when the doctor told me of our results. i wasn't really feeling all that well during our umrah trip, and kept throwing up on the plane and feeling all nauseous. I really thought it was because of my anxiety of flying, but it all just made a lot more sense when we found out i was pregnant ( the random mood swings, the extreme tiredness, the i -want-to-sleep-all-day mood i had ).
i looked into Azhar's eyes and saw how happy he was. how relieved, and how calm he took it. he just smiled and said, " alhamdulillah. i guess Allah has answered. He knows its time,"
and i held his hand tightly thinking of the responsibilities, the great amanah that has just been trusted upon us.
can i really do this ?
i guess that will be a question i will just have to find out as i go along. and from the lessons and stories i've picked up from other mothers, sometimes - its a question with no definite answer.
Allah always knows best.
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