He always chooses better;

I never really took seriously, how important it was to always seek for guidance when it comes to making decisions in life. As muslims, we were given the gift of prayers, a 24 hour access to Allah swt for guidance in every single thing in life. Being the ignorant young soul that i was i thought i've got it all figured out. I needed no constant prayers or whatnots, like really. I could think for myself, yes? 

No. There were a lot of things beyond my control. My set of friends, my rezq, my job, my feelings - as much as i thought it was all me and my own thinking. It had always, always been Him directing me where He wanted me to be directed. I believe our lives are lead by a series of prayers, ones made not necessarily only by us, but of our parents, families and friends. Most importantly - our parents.

I would like to think of myself as an obedient daughter, but ive had my fair share of disagreements with both of my loving parents, but i know there wasn't a day that passed by without them praying for the best for me. Even on days when i forget to pray for myself. 

I remembered back then, how i was always pushed into a situation where i felt so confident of my choices, and then of course, things started to fall apart. My once upon vision of how my life would be shattered, my heart broke and again, i stood up, braved myself for another try.

It wasn't until Allah made me realize, that it was only through His Blessings, and His Will, will i then get whats best for me. And for that to happen, i needed to learn to let go. To work for the best, pray for the best, and the most important part - leave it to Him to show me what would work for me.

I learnt the power of istikharah on making decisions. Being presented choices and praying for Allah to make easy on which He believed would be best for me, my religion and my intention to only want to be close to Him as possible. I foolishly expected a big dream to present itself the same night ( they say istikharah will lead you to dreams ) but boy was i disappointed to find no dreams filling my nights after a week passed by.

"The answer doesnt necessarily come in dreams silly girl. Its in the way you feel things. The situation. Does it bring you calmness? Does it bring you peace? Then you'll know from there," mum corrected

Funny. I didn't quite feel at ease, i was more nervous than ever, but it also definitely did not make me feel uneasy either. I was alright. Not disturbed. Just, alright.

"Then that could be a sign too. Look at how easy the arrangements are going. How smoothly things are being planned for you,"

I took that smoothness of situation, that 'calmness' that rushed into me after the solemnization as a sign of my istikharah being answered. And ill always remember this. Ill always remember how i got here.

How i slowly picked up the pieces of my broken self and reached out to Allah to only give me what He feels I needed. And if the pain i felt was only to bring me closer to Him, then i'd take it. I prayed for  someone who would be the one to support me in fixing myself and bring me closer to Him. I didn't want a fixer. I believe everyone needs to be capable of doing that themselves than expecting others to fix them. I didn't want someone to make me feel 'whole' again. I was hurt - but not empty. I knew Allah was watching my every step, and He has kept me whole. I prayed for a companion in this short journey of life, towards a better version of ourselves before both of our time ends. A person i could look up to, a man i would be so proud to have my kids following after him.

I prayed for this man.

And alhamdulillah for every day ive been granted to be with him and i remain inspired with his little ways of being a better person that he already is.