so I've returned to work since almost 3 months ago, and have been very blessed to have tokmak with me here ever since. and now that she's all packed up to go home by the end of the week, I am cryinggggg on the inside because, hamza will lose one of his favourite people and it'll be many months away until we get to see tokmak again.
it wasn't easy getting them to warm up together. I remembered the first day tokmak arrived, she had to pretend that she wasn't excited to see him. she just said hello and acted casually infront of him, and after a few hours of seeing her around the house - I think hamza figured that she's sticking around for a long time, and decided to follow her everywhere.
now they're inseparable, and tokmak loves giving him biscuits and that just makes him love her more. hahah.
anyway long story short - I'm sad, and its killing me in the inside that we had to start branching out for options on hamza's care while Im at work. I've always preferred to have family to look after him instead of strangers. but we were left with limited choices and decided to opt for child care centres. I think we were lucky to get a spot in a childcare close to where we live. plus points for having halal option - I fell in love instantly. his principal is such a passionate lady who loves kids, and I could tell but the amount of random hugs she got from kids and babies whenever she walked in their rooms. she knows all 77 kids by name, and was very friendly.
I loved the fact that their outdoor play area is hugee, its important for me for hamza to not feel confined or trapped in a room, I want him to be able to play outside and get his dose of sunshine and trees and wind, nature keeps him happy. I know it cos we do that a lot with him. so it was a huge tick for us when we had our tour.
we signed forms - and we had 2 months and a half before he officially starts, I am allowed to do "stay and play" with him as much as I needed to ease his transitioning into childcare. meaning, parent and kid stay in centre to play with other kids, bond with carers and learn its routines before they start.
I did stays and plays with him for a month, twice or thrice a week we'd spend 3-4 hours at the centre, and he played well amongst other kids, ate with them at the table with me around, I had chats with his carers and they all seemed pleasant and nice.
after seeing him playing and getting comfortable with the centre, I then decided to do leave him by himself. I drop him off to the carers, wave bye and tell him ill get him in 2 hours, and walk away - I then wait in the foyer where I can peep on him if I want to. I know some parents attempt the 'cold turkey' approach, where they just leave them with the carers and leave, to let the child learn that childcare is a no mummy or no daddy zone. but I couldn't do that to hamza, as he gets very anxious and scared around strangers - hence the phase by phase approach.
of course - he cried. and it was heartbreaking to see him cry. he just stood at the gates of the outdoor play area, and screamed and shouted for me to come back. wouldn't budge with any of the carers when they offered him toys. he took them and threw them away ( tantrum ). for the first day, he cried so bad, and didn't want to eat. after 2 hours I came in to pick him he ran to me and was sobbing all the way home. he sobbed himself to sleep, and that just killed me.
I have had really supportive friends on this journey. all telling me that its a phase, and that he will eventually get better. but its almost a month now and he still cries all the time. stands at gate, refuses to play. he got fond of one of the carers, but wouldn't want to be put down. she told me that she had to put him down and he would cry a lot harder because he wanted to constantly be carried.
its really traumatising to see him go through this. as much as its good for him in the long run, I couldn't convince myself strong enough that this letting him cry it out method was working on him. he's a strong willed boy who knows what he wants and is already smart at knowing his surroundings. I didn't know why I took it harder than other parents. I wish I was more like them, strong - and able to distract myself from worrying, and more trusting of other people in caring for my child. I struggled. and I felt really down trying to understand myself and my son. why wasn't he getting it ?
I spoke to a few carers on what other ways I could do to get him used to it - our plan was to send hamza to childcare for one day in a week. only because I work 2 days a week, and azhar works 4 days a week. which leaves hamza to azhar's care for the other day that I'm at work. I loved how they were frank with me in saying that because he only will be coming once a week - he will take a lot longer to get used to things and routines of the centre compared to other kids. but then again, all kids are different, but who knows if hamza suddenly will walk in one day and decide that he won't cry and will finally play with other kids ? ( never happened yet, 2 weeks gone)
its so tiring, and heartbreaking, and I can not imagine going to work and not thinking of how he will just cry and stand at the gates of his play area waiting to be picked up.
Hamza is used to being around us, the three of us mainly, and is used to seeing the same people he sees, he's used to getting the attention and not having to share the attention with anyone else. and the fact that he's older now, his separation anxiety is a lot stronger than babies starting at early age like 6 months, or below.
we went today, and again he cried, and it just doesn't make sense to me. to the point that its annoying me that I'm stressed having to do this. its my son, and I'm seeing that he doesn't like it, and it should be that simple to just withdraw him from what he isn't ready yet. I felt so at lost and alone with my worries, and Huda just hit me with a reality thats just spot on. explaining exactly how I feel.
" do what you feel is best for him. you know him - others don't. its strange isn't it ? to go against our natural instincts as parents. we try so hard to make them happy day in day out. we try our best everyday to not make them cry, and then when it comes to this. suddenly this is normal. to let them cry to 'learn' "
so here I am, still stressed out, sad seeing his cries and frustrations being left alone to "socialise" with others, forced into things without his will.
I know some families have no other option. they have to work and have to provide for the family. and I am forever inspired by them, strong souls soldiering their days on with their kids not around them.
I keep questioning mine. do I really have no other option ?
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