what about motherhood have I not spoken of yet. I think I've said it all. the joys and lows of it. its a great mixture, but expecting number two while looking after a two year old has completely changed the game for me. what more doing it all mostly on my own - without Azhar as he travels a lot for work. not that I blame him for it, keeps food on the table, and I know he hates leaving us, though I tend to forget that sometimes and end up being frustrated doing things alone.
most days I feel like I'm on overdrive. I wake up in the morning hardly feeling refreshed, a growing tummy and the tossing and turning doesn't help with the amount of sleep I'm already lacking. I power on most days, and thank God for being in Malaysia for the largest chunk of my 2nd pregnancy. My dad helps me so much caring after Hamza, allowing me to escape once in a while to have my "rest" and he looks after him for me.
I sometimes wish I was more fit to do all this, but I can't complain. I really shouldn't. I keep telling myself , there are people out there with lots of things on their plates, with no help, and they power on anyway because they have no choice.
I wanted to post a nice picture of my 2 year old, but I'm too tired to copy paste or download pictures from my phone right now, forgive me for my laziness, I just promised myself this blog deserves an entry, and I know it will make me feel better letting it all out while I can.
my eyes are half open, hamza's sleeping next to me, and the house is empty. I enjoy seeing everyone so busy with their lives, and I do enjoy mine too most days when I'm not on overdrive haha. the more busier the people around me get, the more thankful I am for this chosen path I took of caring for hamza myself. I can't imagine stopping anyone else's life to focus on him when he is my own responsibility.
these days I feel that my generation are mostly blessed if there was constant help to care for our children. doesn't matter if it came in the form of a helper, its still a blessing nevertheless. I remembered growing up being around my grandmother and helper a lot. its just not something I get to experience at this time as both of my parents are still actively working. and I'm happy that they are, it keeps them occupied.
I talked about not missing work in my previous post, I really don't. I think mainly because I really feel like my mind is not meant for a 9-5 job behind a desk. I have always been the person who loves going out, reaching out to people, moving around. with Hamza, I get to do that - in a very demanding way though as he constantly needs attention. hence the overdrive because he doesn't stop demanding unless he's asleep haha.
hamza was hospitalised with bacterial infection and tonsillities a few days back. it crushed my heart not knowing what to do with his fever spiking up and down, it was like that for a good 4 days before we realised something just wasn't right. I felt helpless most nights, hugging him tightly , praying to Allah that he cures him of the sickness. Azhar was and still is away when this happened, which made it harder for me, as having him around would've calmed me down a bit. but I felt Allah arranged it that way to prepare me for something bigger.
maybe Allah knows that in the near future, with 2 kids, I will probably be mostly on my own caring for them, and if they get sick, I won't panic as much as I've had experience of dealing with things with Hamza by myself. nursing him every night.
I guess after everything, I've slowly learnt how amazing a mother's love works. all mothers love differently , I choose to love my kids by being present and available. some choose to love them by providing, and being relevant to others as well and not just kids. either way, a mother's love knows no limit. they just keep giving and giving, even when they have nothing left for themselves.
powerful it is to think that, despite a mother's love towards her children, Allah's love for us is so much greater than that.
I know He's watching over me and my little family. and with that, I leave all worries to Him and for Him alone to nurse me when I'm tired, on overdrive, or just simply when I have nothing left to give. He provides.
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