ramadhan feels;

how is it that we've reached the last ten days of Ramadhan? masha Allah. i pray your ramadhan has been filled with spiritual highs, and that it has blessed you with utmost positivity and khayr in shaa Allah.

my ramadhan ever since becoming a mom has been very different. the first year spending ramadhan with Hamza, i barely could do all the extra things i used to do. i struggled with very low milk supply. but was adamant to breastfeed him all the way. i knew it was the best for him, so i did the best i could with fasting and giving myself rest days in between to keep my supply up. i took lots of supplements to increase my lost supply and saw some improvements alhamdulillah. but boy has the game changed. my days and nights were filled with caring for him. i got way too tired to read more Quran, or wake up to do Tahajjud was a complete struggle. Hamza was not the kind of baby who would sleep through the night - and i remembered feeling so out of it.

why is it, i asked myself, did i not feel it as much now. i remembered being sad and tired trying to read an extra page of the Quran. i was beaten. praying on time was a constant struggle, i remembered praying through a crying baby on the floor. i knew he was fed, and clean, but i needed to do my prayers - hence leaving him to cry didnt worry me, but boy did it break me. i was mostly alone with him, and sometimes i'd cry too. i felt so distant from Allah. and felt there was no way He would be happy with my efforts. praying while my mind was of something else. my heart sank.

this year - it wasnt any different. i knew i had to lower my expectations. i told myself alhamdulillah Umar is blessed with lots of milk, so my fasting has been a lot better than when i was with Hamza. i feel triple beaten at the end of every day though, powering my days with two little boys to care for. and making sure Azhar gets his iftar on time, and cooked by me.

i told myself, it doesnt matter how dull everyday may seem, but i will make good use of it, and i will . be better than what i was yesterday, small , small steps. one thing to keep constant was serving meals for my little family which i so love to do. i try to learn new recipes every now and then. Umar is a pretty easy baby to care for alhamdulillah. there are some days where it gets a little challenging, and i end up having to leave him to cry just to finish kneading my dough.

i try to recite the Quran every little chance i get, while they nap, or while they both are busy playing with each other. even if it means 2-3 ayahs, its something. for every new thing i put myself to do, i let go of something else. like on days i choose to prepare desserts, is not the day ill do the laundry. its all about strategizing! haha. because ive learnt i falter trying to squeeze every chore in one day.

come maghrib, we have our iftar, pray together, and ill clean the kitchen. Azhar would leave for tarawikh most nights, some nights he does it at home, but come night time, im already knackered, i pray isya' with him if hes home, and i proceed to put the boys to sleep.

some nights, my precious Hamza joins his Abah for tarawih, and is such a champ at it. some nights he prays together with the imam, other nights, he acts like his 2 year old self, running around his Abah while he prays.

so when people ask me how ramadhan is, i often tell them, its been different. very different to my single days. where my nights and days are about praying extra when i can, reciting extra when i can. these days, those are all luxuries for me. i try my best, and pray Allah is happy with me still.

and then i came across this, which struck my heart, and made me tear.

Allah understood me. He always has, and He always will , al hamdulillah. may Allah make each of us, with our own struggles, better people, better servants, and may He bless us with barakah in this life n akhirah.