mimyhood;

wooh, its so dusty in here.
i hope you folks have been alright. quite shockingly, i managed to have some time to sit down with my thoughts today.

i probably only have a few minutes left. Umar has been down almost an hour more, and Hamza is just minding himself with some toys and his puzzle set.
a lot has been happening in a year. i dont even know where to start.

Hamza turned 4 alhamdulillah. healthy and cheeky as always. we still need to work on emotional regulation. i dont blame him at all. even i am still very much learning in that department. i tell myself quite often, to not be discouraged or annoyed with his cries. i realised a lot of hard feelings or emotions that he goes through, doesn't sit well with me. like i don't know what to do with him crying or shouting other than to throw back shouts or yells. it was all i ever knew.

i realised then, down the road, that he picked those behaviours from me. shouting and yelling at Umar when things dont go his way. they say children are like mirrors. and boy has it been a struggle for me. trying to reflect this model behaviour. but failing daily to do so.

i think whats important is to always be honest with ourselves. that perfection is only meant for Allah. i learnt to try my best, and when i fail to show my best behaviour, to own up to it to my children. apologise, and explain why and teach them, that even I am a work in progress. humans make mistakes, all the time. its important to own up to it, apologise when we've wronged others, even if its to young children.

i knew that if i wanted my boys to be gentle young men, conscious of their feelings and emotions, considerate of others, i needed that to start with me. i needed to let them cry their hearts out, express their anger within a safe space, and guide them through their train of emotions. doing all that, while also fixing my own temper and patience level was so very hard. they say its not our job to join their chaos with our adult tantrums. its our job to guide them through it.

there wasnt a day that passed by without me feeling absolute gutted and tired after a whole day of being thrown all these emotions from all angles. azhar would come home and would have to listen to my nagging and crying. my poor husband. im always grateful for such a calm and patient soul in my life. who isnt embarassed by my loudness or my emotions. always holding my hand through tough times.

anyway.

im passed that i think. i think ive gone up the ladder abit. like i can tell when im too tired to deal with kids tantrums, so i limit my daily expectations. if i know one kid is going through a rough patch, ill decide not to do the laundry and fold them all in one day. i feel like it all is about strategizing now. haha. i strategize my day, according to how the kids are feeling. they too, have bad days and good days like us. i feel so blessed to be able to guide them through the bad days, and to be allowed to take our time sitting through it.

its important to sit with our bad days. we then appreciate the good days a lot more. we also get to acknowledge that yucky feeling, and teach ourselves ways to overcome it when it happens next.

when Hamza gets frustrated now, we allow him to cry it out and stomp his feet 3 times. hahaha. hes a master of it. after stomping his feet, he gets back to his usual self (whoa). i know. mashaAllah. he used to throw things or just cry and scream his heart out, but after a lot of times feeling the frustration. he recognises it and says " ergh! im frustrated mimmy! aaaaaaaaa ". Azhar kept telling him its alright to feel frustrated, but he wont let Hamza hurt himself or others in the process. thats regulation. and im so glad we get to experience that together as a family. because trust me, even i have self regulation issues. lol.

well , i dont know where this ladder will lead to.

i keep climbing it anyway, hoping to reach my destination. its a constant climb i think. and im very happy with our progress so far. i keep telling myself alhamdulillah for everything. for the ease, for the difficulties. for a close knit family that we currently have. i used to be so sad being away from everyone else, but Allah has this amazing way of showing me, what we have is enough, and just what we need to overcome our hurdles in life.

im so proud of the person ive become. ive learnt so much about me in this journey of mimmyhood, and i cant wait to learn so much more, and be deeper in tune with my purpose in life.

til then!

Salam