Circa 2011.
i was 22.
i felt like at that time i almost got it figured out.
what i wanted to be.
what my goal was in life.
i was feeling all kinds of tired from just going through life as a 22 year old.
friendships were made and tested.
i thought i knew so much about myself at that stage.
i knew what i wanted in life, in a person.
just sitting down here typing this out while trying my best to go back in time. at that very moment of me scrolling through my phone.
how carefree.
little did i know.
i had no idea at all.
sometimes i like to sit down and think about what my life was back then. (when i get the time to sit and think, which is rare to be honest) but these days, this new year, i make it a point to.
i feel like we are often told to be grateful and thankful for the present, and forbidden to think of the past or long for it.
i dont long for what life was back then. i know nothing can change my present. and i definitely know i will change absolutely nothing of what i have now.
but sometimes, just sometimes, walking back memory lane just does it for me.
no one told me how life after marriage would change me.
i mean yes - perhaps what was usually being thrown around was the "joy" of being halal-ified. haha. but really.
i knew it wasnt going to be a bed of roses. i knew we'd have hiccups along the way.
but REALLY.
marriage is hardwork. parenthood is even crazier. i get it know why its so highly looked upon. how even in Islam its put at such a high rank. its so testing. it really changes you, deeply.
i feel quite blessed to be journeying this with someone i can trust. someone who is willing to help me through the rough patches. and having little us along the way, gosh that must be so hard too.
i laugh at myself these days just thinking how "tired" i felt way back then. but of course, no dismissing. all phases of tiredness are valid. are legit. and is exactly what we needed to learn through life.
i took for granted all those free time i had having coffee in silence and peace and calmness. i took for granted my independence of being single. haha. im not saying that life right now is miserable. life right now is hard, is heavy, yet so satisfying.
its a different kind of game when your life right now is all about other people. other little people. how anxious i get being far from them. how every decision i make about myself, and this family would affect their lives too.
i told hubs last night, i think we took for granted our time together before we had kids. haha. i never really took in those moments of quiet dinners together. we never got to experience a movie date together. when we finally lived together i was already carrying Hamza in me, and both of us were stuck into work, and went straight into parent mode. we were so excited of course. we still are, alhamdulillah. but on days when it gets way too much for me, i often sit back, and think about those times before.
no one talks about this part as much. i dont know why. they never tell you that when you have kids, you will often find yourself overworked. you fix the house, you fix meals, you fix the kids, you fix the bed, you work on everything. and then one comment flies by " man your house looks crazy messy, " because you didn't want the kids to waste their time on screens, so they play whole heartedly in the living room with their imagination and social skills with each other.
after all that, you realise, hang on a minute. whose fixing me?
my job isnt 9-5. but its constantly smacking me in the phase, daily, hourly, every second. i dont know how mothers who work do it. when you live like me, with no family, no maid, no support. i dont know how they do it. and i wish if they needed a friend to talk to, they'd reach out to me. cos id happily lift their burdens for them in any way i can if i could.
often, i feel that way. i love being with my kids, and find comfort in having them infront of me, but there are days where it gets, overwhelming. and then my thoughts would go running back to the person i was before all this. the one with seemingly "more patience" and "more grace" haha.
i miss me. i know shes in there somewhere still. hopeful and always have this positive outlook on life.
my children are my lifes greatest blessing. i am aware of that. and i am thankful, alhamdulillah. but that also doesn't mean i am not allowed to express my tiredness. i know i will miss all of this someday. and instead of posting a picture of my messy house at the moment, i thought id write this down. for my future self to read. probably by then, parenting a teenager, and laughing at this, as then, id perhaps be facing some other challenge in life.
alhamdulillah for everything.
before we slept last night, hubs showed me his phone. he made a timetable for himself.
"tukar pampers.
clean kitchen.
empty dishwasher.
etc"
of all the things he will remind himself to do before he goes off to work. to ease my burden.
may Allah bless helpful husbands like him. sometimes, it is all we, women ever need in this life. a little help.
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